no one is born without the curiosity to learn, i remember when i was little i used to hate studying, i dreaded study time with my mom but i enjoyed going to school to learn. i loved sitting in class and just listening to the teacher explain about how things work, i was fond of all subjects, particularly science, understanding how the world worked and the way things are made made me feel like i was meant to be. it gave me a sense of meaning, it subconsciously gave me a reason to live, it made me WANT to live, i want to stay alive so i can get to know more about the world around me. learning about things taught me love and fear simultaneously, i love you because i understand you, experience you, and at the same time i fear you going away, i fear me going away, if i go away, how can i learn?
all this makes me seem like someone who was an a+ student, i was far from it. because the system demanded something so cruel from me that it would continue to cripple me current day at my grown age. im talking about the education system of course. i think it all started with the concept of failing. at the very beginning you are instructed not to fail. without ever experiencing it you are told, no, demanded of to not fail. by your teachers, your family, and even your friends. you are percieved with contempt if you do so, you will be punished, chastised, demeaned, they look down on you. it feels humiliating. but what about what i just said about failure felt bad? maybe the humiliation from those around you, okay, what next? you let yourself down, you think, now failure isnt so bad, what happens when you fail? what does it mean to fail? i think it means to not reach a certain goal.
what is the purpose of a goal?, i used to play a video game as a child, i dont know which one but i'd play a while in a certain scenario and eventually hit a checkpoint and the scene would change, we’d have to use different techniques to play, maybe overcome a bigger monster and whatnot. and i think of it now when i think of what the purpose of a goal is, i think goals bring about change, and change spices things up. when youre experiencing the same situation over and over again it is bound to get repetitve and boring. but when you move on to a different goal, or scenario, or technique, you experience how challenging it is to adapt. and you must enjoy it, otherwise you dont actually like what youre doing. i do not think it is helpful to classify things as 'better' or 'easier' or just placing jdgements as a whole, objectivelty. however i do think it makes sense that you have a personal preference when doing things or having likes and dislikes. what you may consider as difficult someone else might find to be easy peasy, and vice versa ofc. now goals are fine to have, it helps with some change every now and then, if goals were only considered as checkpoints of change, failure wouldnt exist. and if failure isnt a thing, everyones happy!
when you are a child theres a period of time where you are not so concerned with the opinions of others and your only goal was to experience. i remember countless occasions where i thought i did well on a test given what i had and how much effort i put in it only for it to be shot down and considered not good enough. and this brings me to talk about expectations. i believe expecting is a concept that we learn rather than it being innate, when you feel hunger for the first time as an infant you do not expect anything, you are simply in pain, until you are fed, now you know that food puts out the pain of hunger and you expect it every time you’re hungry. good thing is since you learned it you can unlearn it, i do not see the need for expectations as a fully functioning adult, i mean think about it what purpose does it serve? when you expect something you are not happy when you get it, youre settled, relieved. but when you do not get it you become upset, it does not make you happy, infact happiness is felt at a higher altitude when things are unexpected (and vice versa).
as a child i hated studying because it fundamentally went against what i enjoyed doing, it went against what made me feel alive, like life was worth living. it put time limits and expectation unto things that naturally came to me, my will to learn. it corrupted that innate state of being by expecting and punishing when the expectations were not met, classifying me as a failure and not worthy of doing it, yelling at me to not bother all the while handing me the notebook and a pen. it pushed me to perform when i wasnt ready in the form of assignments and exams and due dates.
im an adult now, and can handle my studies much better than before, yet i find myself carrying the thoughts in my actions when im doing something, anything and everything. and its aggravating. i call this whole thing 'studyfication' when i think of getting fit for the sake of my health i find myself thinking i have to go every day for xyz hou- NO dont do that. dont fucking do that please. every hobby i pick up i end up losing interest because of studyfication. you have to be good at it others should think its good then only you can think its good and whatnot. what a miserable mindset to have, its the kind that makes you trapped, cages you, holds you back so hard and next thing you know you’re older and haven’t done what you wanted,
congrats! yove lived a life full of potential, but not actually applying any of it.